Irreplaceable
by Narusasu2009
Summary: Shizuo finally manages to kill Izaya. But, will he feel happy about it? What if he actually will feel horrible? After Izaya's death, will Psyche help him to get rid of those horrible feelings he felt all those years...?
1. Chapter 1

_Chapter 1. The sad memory._

**Author:** narusasu2009

**Pairing:** Shizaya, Shizuo x Psyche

**Rating:** T (may reach to M in some chapters later on)

**Disclaimer:** I don't own ANY characters! They belong to Narita Ryohgo, from Durarara!

**Summery:** Shizuo finally manages to kill Izaya. But, will he feel happy about it? What if he actually will feel horrible? After Izaya's death, will Psyche help him to get rid of those horrible feelings he felt all those years...?

* * *

_Happiness?_

_No. Didn't hear of it._

* * *

**FLASHBACK**

Running.

Dashing.

Jumping.

Screaming.

Laughing.

This was all the people heard right now in the Ikebukuro.

Like in a usual day, Izaya yet again pissed off Shizuo, what leaded to chasing and throwing public proparty.

Oh, there was another crash of a bench.

_Ah, it's already 547 302 yens._

Another crash. This time was a car.

_Oya, oya. Now it's 1 192 342 yens!_

"My my, Shizu-chan~ If you continue like this, you will get a record soon!" yelled the raven at the blonde, pulling on his smirk.

Hate.

Revenge.

Killing mode.

Only those felt the ex-bartender, chasing after his enemy. Seriously, sometimes Shizuo wished he just DIED right on the spot! Die from a cancer! But, cruel reality never does what he wants, so he has to chase after the Flea and kill him with his own hands... Or at least hoping a vending machine would squash him like a bug.

"You little mind fucker!" he growled, shouting next, "GET THE FUCK BACK HERE, FLEA!"

Adrenaline.

It was running through Izaya's veins as he made a turn around the corner and passing familiar buildings. Ah, he was almost there. In Shinjuku. He needed just to turn the corner and...

_CRASH_

Oh no... Did Shizuo just...?

"Ha!" yelled the blonde with a grin, stopping right next to the old bench, lying right next to the now lying on the ground informant. From his head dripping blood, creating a blood puddle around his head. "Finally I caught you, flea." he said with the same grin on his face, putting a hand in his pocket and taking out pack of cigarette. After taking one cancer-stick out of it, lighting it, Shizuo took a deep inhale and breathed the light grey smoke out from his lungs. Yes, finally. He have caught the annoying raven. And mostly had _finally_ hurt him, just like he dreamed! He felt so happy, that if people weren't staring at him, and the lying informant, he would start awkward moves named _a dance of happiness_.

But... something was off. He caught the flea, hurted him and made him bleed but... Why he felt the urge feeling that he actually_ killed_ the shorter male. No, he really wanted his death. Always screamed that Shizuo would kill Izaya, but after really doing so, he felt different. Not a triumph, or happiness about it. He felt... guilty?

"Oi, flea. Quit lying around and get up." he said with calm voice, poking a bit hard with his leg the informants ribs. Yet raven didn't even move, or say a word.

Silence.

He was lying still. Like he really was dead.

Panic.

It started running through Shizuo's body. If Izaya was really dead right now, he would have big problems to explain to the cops about the dead body, and then for sure he would get in jail.

_Ugh. Even as dead you still give me trouble, little shit!_

He thought, throwing the half smoken cancer-stick and stomping on it with his shoes. Shizuo crouched down, putting his elbows on his knees, as he stared at Izaya. Noting that the blood puddle grew more wide. That made Shizuo's mind snap, as he started to shake Izaya by his shoulder.

"Hey... Hey, Izaya-kun..." he whispered, almost as a mumble, "Wake up, flea. It's not funny anymore." There was still silence, as Izaya's head and body shook when Shizuo shaked him by the shoulder, yet there was no response.

Shizuo brought his two fingers to Izaya's neck, searching for the pulse.

_Shit._

He thought, as his fingers froze. His eyes widened, slowly. Staring in horror at the body what was getting cold slowly.

**No pulse.**

_...I killed him..._

**END OF FLASHBACK**

* * *

_From that time. From that same moment, I felt his body getting colder. His cold skin... I could still feel it, after so many years._

"Shizuo-kun!" the blonde turned his head, taking his gaze off of the sunset. The owner of the voice, short raven with magenta eyes, ran up to the blonde and hugged around his chest. "I'm back home~"

The smile slipped on his lips, as Shizuo saw the soft grin on the raven.

"Welcome back, Psyche."

* * *

**Ok so this is my third Shizya fanfic o3o**

**I suddenly got this idea, so dunno where it will leave to ._."**

**I actually thought of a very sad fanfic, not containing much smut or fluff... But who knows, maybe there will be xD**

**Bet there will be some, so if you are interested, tell me if to continue to write more!**


	2. Chapter 2

_Chapter 2. You're not Izaya._

**Author:** narusasu2009

**Pairing:** Shizaya, Shizuo x Psyche

**Rating:** T (may reach to M in some chapters later on)

**Disclaimer:** I don't own ANY characters! They belong to Narita Ryohgo, from Durarara!

**Summery:** Shizuo finally manages to kill Izaya. But, will he feel happy about it? What if he actually will feel horrible? After Izaya's death, will Psyche help him to get rid of those horrible feelings he felt all those years...?

* * *

_Happiness?_

_No. Didn't hear of it._

* * *

**POV Shizuo**

How many years have it been? I lost the count already.

Since Izaya's death, I was not myself. There wasn't like I felt something for the flea... No. No love, I'm sure! How could I feel something for that jackass?! He only annoyed me, disturbed my life, set up some plans to make my life a living hell. It's only for the best that he is gone!

...yet I still feel this emptiness. Even though Izaya was replaced by Psyche, I don't feel this 'special' feeling every time I see those magenta eyes. Sometimes I wish they weren't pink... but red. Those deep, dark red eyes and bright when shining in the sunlight. I remember the first day I met those eyes, I couldn't take my eyes off of them. They were just hypnotizing. But that smirk... Oh damn, how I always wished to smash his face against a brick wall! To make that annoying smile disappear from his face! But no matter how many times we fought, his smirk never fell off. And that was annoying the most. Even if I would break his bones he would still smile.

Though the day... he died... he didn't smile. His face was still, relaxed, and not a single sight of his annoying smile.

_CRASH_

"Ouch!"

I glanced the way to the kitchen. Psyche was right now in there and making dinner. Well... At least I hope he was making. Usually when that guy was there all alone, after I walk in there I can't recognize my own kitchen. On the floor are broken eggs and flour, broken one or two plates, something burning on the pan and stove itself, on the walls spots of something sticky, something like jam. And when right now I walked in the kitchen, I saw the same scene what I described few seconds ago.

"Dammit..." mumbled the raven while bending on his knees on the floor and cleaning the new mess he made. His face and hands were covered in flour, while his pink V-shirt sleeves were rolled up to his elbows and over his front was an apron, probably for woman. I glanced down and saw big pieces of glass and flour with a mixture of eggs and milk. Looks like he dropped a bowl with dough on the floor. I know he tries his best to cook something for me, but just seeing him trying so hard makes me sad, but only a little. Mostly his time he spends on the kitchen and cooking, looking for new recipes on the websites and in the magazines he buys.

Mostly what he cooks is something sweet, only because I have a sweet tooth, and he knows it pretty well. Yet that he burns something, over adds sugar or salt, I still eat his cooking and say it's good... Even though I want to throw up! But I just can't say something bad about his cooking, when he looks with those eyes filled with hope and seems he will cry in any second, while staring right into my mouth.

"What's for dinner today?" I ask, leaning against the door frame, arms crossed and look at him. He flinches from the sudden voice behind him and drops back the mess he only started picking up. "Waah! Not again!" he whines and turns to me with a cute pout "Shizuo-kun! Don't scare me like that!"

I chuckle slightly, grab the dustpan and broom, and start helping him cleaning this mess up. "H-Hey, I can clean myself, Shizuo-kun! No need to help!"

"If I won't help you, it will take another hour or two for you to finally finish cooking. And I'm hungry a lot." I glance at him and he looks down with that sad look when usually he does something wrong, or feels really guilty. "...sorry..." his voice hitches a bit and that makes my movements halt.

"For what?"

"I'm so useless in the kitchen... I- I try my best to cook for you, but only I do is mess up everything... I-I'm so sorry, Shizuo-kun _sob_ I-I just- _sob_" Oh no... Not again! He starts crying so easily, and that only makes me feel guilty a lot. I quickly put the broom and dustpan on the floor, crouched down right in front of him and touch his left cheek.

"Hey, calm down. It's alright, don't cry" I brush away his tears with my thumb and he looks at up at me. "I don't care if you're useless or not, you are trying your best for me and that's important" his eyes widen a bit at me and I can't hold back a smile "Heck, you can blow up the kitchen if you want! I won't give a damn! At least I know you are trying your best to make me happy."

"S-Shizuo...kun..." his eyes water more and starts sobbing more, "S-SHIZUO-KUN!" He jumps at me and hugs around my neck, making me fall on my butt and his knees between my legs.

"P-Psyche? What's wro-"

"I-I love you so much, Shizuo-kun! You forgive me no m-matter what and- _sob_ I promise to do my best from now on! I want to make you happy, so I will give my all in to cooking!" he looks determined right at me and I can't hold back a smile. I hug him around his thin waist and pull at me, hugging him tightly while patting his head. "Alright... Do your best then, I will be happy to eat your cooking."

I kiss his head. He then looks up at me and I lick up his tears from his cheeks and feel his face going more hot than it is from the tears. "S-Shizuo-kun..." he whispers lowly, looking at me with half-lidded eyes. I can't hold back and pull him in to a kiss. Our lips touch softly first, I feel the taste of the dough on his lips and as our lips start moving slowly, his mouth opens a bit and I quickly slip my tongue in his small, warm mouth. He makes a cute little moan, pushing his hands against my chest as my tongue moves around his mouth and our tongues meet.

"Psyche..." I say after we break our kiss. His eyes are already getting foggy, and as I look at him and want to move away and stand up, he brings his hand to my crotch and rubs there firmly. I shudder from the touch and feel my arousal growing slowly. "Shizuo-kun... I-I want you... Now." He says right into my lips, licking them teasingly. I gulp and want to say something but Psyche reacts faster, as he pulls away and undoes his apron and pulls off his pink shirt, throwing it on the messy floor. My eyes room all over his chest, I lick my lips seeing his nipples getting already hard.

"Shizuo-kun..." he whispers as he leans and sucks on my ear lobe, "Take me, right here. _Hard._"

'Oh God...' I thought, swearing in my mind as my clothed member response to his dirty words. Psyche always had the skills to arouse me, don't even know where he got them though, but the fact stays that I always got aroused, and...

"Sorry" I say and push him away, quickly standing up and pulling him up also, "I'm tired today. Some other time, alright?" I smile and kiss him on the lips. I turn around to the exit of the kitchen.

"You..." he mumbles, "You always say that, but never keep your promise!" he shouts at me, probably pissed, but I don't look at him and go straight in the bathroom, slamming the door.

"Fuck" I say as slide against the door and on the floor. Always... Always when Psyche got turned on and tried to seduce me, I always pushed him away. Even though my arousal screamed for a lay I denied him. I don't know even why! For God sake, he had a nice body, beautiful face and wonderful voice. Yet I didn't want to have sex with him! Just something inside me kept telling me I should stay away... Though I tried to do it with girls, but they didn't even didn't turn me on. Am I sick or something?!

I don't know what I even want. I have everything - a house, a person to live and love to, a 'house wife', good job and an offer for sex almost every day. What else here to ask for?! ...though... Even Psyche is a wonderful guy, I would like that his magenta eyes would be red, not pink. He would wear dark clothes instead of white... and his sweet personality instead would be annoying, mind blowing, would made me angry, pissed and would say 'Shizu-chan'.

"..."

'WHAT_ DID I JUST SAY?! __I... I just described Izaya. What am I even thinking of-_'

I growl as feel my arousal twitch.

'_Huh? Did... I get turned on more just 'cause I thought of Izaya? That annoying, pissing off flea with his bony, skinny, slim and hot body, and that little ass that I so wanted to fuck hard all night?!_'

"Ghh... ah..." ...just great. I got turned off by thinking of Izaya. Wait... does it mean, that... I want flea in sexual way? But... But he is already... _dead_... "Hah.. Mmh.." Dammit. I have no way back, need to do something before I will go nuts with this _problem_!

**End of Shizuo's POV**

After some minutes Shizuo comes out of the bathroom. As he closes the bathroom door, his eyes mocha eyes meet magenta in the hallway. Psyche's arms were crossed and he was leaning against the wall, very pissed look on his face. Totally unusual, if think that he almost _never_ got pissed, especially when Shizuo was near.

"We need to talk. **Now**." the raven said with angry voice, glaring at the blonde.

"...alright."

"Alright. Tell me what's up with you, Shizuo-kun?" started the raven, sitting on the big couch, while Shizuo sat across on the little sofa.

"What do you mean Psyche?"

"Don't fool me! I see there is something wrong! Even though you act the same as always, smile and so on, but you always, and I mean always refuse me when it comes to... you know what.." says the raven the last three words with a low voice, a blushing appearing on his face. "Just... Just tell me. Do you hate me?"

"What?" Shizuo's eyes widen a bit at the question, "What made you think so-"

"YOU!" the smaller male yelled, no, _screamed_, "Since the first day we met you kept pushing me away! Am I really that bad, Shizuo? I'm trying to be good for you. I'm trying to cook and clean the house. Is it because I don't have a job?"

"Psyche..." Shizuo sighed, feeling he made his lover think wrong.

"I-I can get a job, if you really want me to! Or is it my cooking? I said I'm trying! Or... or is it that I don't arouse you?" he asks with broken voice, he didn't know what was the matter even and what to ask.

"No, it's... I-..." ex-bartender didn't know what to say. He didn't know the answer himself. He was just so confused with his own feelings. Psyche was the best for him, but something... still was missing.

"Just tell me what's wrong with me and I'll fix it! I promise! I really will try my best and-"

"NO!" Shizuo couldn't take it anymore and snapped. "You can't fix anything!"

"Then what's the problem in me?" Psyche was on his limit also and he was feeling he would snap also soon enough. "If it's my looks I can just go to Shinra and ask for a surgery! Tell me who you want me to be then? Some woman with big boobs? Or have a bigger dick? JUST TELL ME!"

"YOU'RE NOT IZAYA!"

"..."

Shizuo gasped as he heard his own words. He covered his mouth with his right palm, staring in horror at Psyche. Meanwhile Psyche couldn't believe his own ears. Did Shizuo just say 'Izaya'?

"You... You didn't say anything about him for the last 9 years... What made you remember him?" magenta eyes asked, now with more calm and low voice.

"I... I don't know." Shizuo looked away. He was getting more and more confused with himself. "I... I guess-"

"You miss him?" Shizuo looked at Psyche, seeing a sad look on his face. Shizuo's heart throbbed a bit, but not at Psyche's sad face, but realizing he truly did miss Izaya. He missed that guy who fucked up his life every living day. Made his anger boil over the limit, snap and destroy half of the town. But mostly he missed just Izaya, just to see that guy and his trademark smirk.

Shizuo looked on the floor, feeling small tears appearing in his eyes. He doesn't remember when was the last time he cried. He really felt like he was breaking but kept the tears from falling, he didn't want to seem weak. "...yes."

"'Yes' what?"

"...I... I miss him..." the blonde's hands start to shiver as he clenched them. Psyche stepped closer to him and wrapped his arms around the taller male. "P-Psyche?"

"It's alright. I understand..." even though Psyche was pissed that Shizuo pushed him away all these years, but he couldn't be angry, just couldn't. Especially at Shizuo when he was at the edge of crying.

Shizuo lifted his arms and wrapped around Psyche's waist, pulling him close and burring his face in the raven's right shoulder. "It's my fault... M-My fault he died... If only I-"

"Ssssh.. It wasn't your fault. You didn't know it would happen-"

"But it did! And he DIED! D-I-E-D!" he tightened his grip around Psyche's waist, making the raven shiver a bit in pain. "If I would control myself back then, he would be alive!"

"And then I wouldn't be made... right?" Psyche asked with an emotionless face. Shizuo kept quiet. He knew the truth. Knew Psyche _was_ Izaya. 99% only, though.

"...sorry. Didn't mean that..."

"It's alright, Shizuo-kun. I don't mind." the raven smiled, he felt hurt but it didn't matter. He knew Shizuo was in more pain than he was, so he didn't mind what the blonde would say. He just wished he would make Shizuo forget about the past.

_The past that haunted Heiwajima Shizuo for 9 years._

But the ravens life was neither _sugar__. _He had to live with the disgusting thought.

_The thought that he was just a replacement of Orihara Izaya, made out of his DNA in a laboratory._


End file.
